SECURITY CLEARANCE

Apply for Field Agent Status

One-time fee. Background check waived. Brenda will personally vouch.

TIER 1

CIVILIAN

$0
  • ✓ 1 dossier per day
  • ✓ 4-sound beat sequencer
  • ✓ PNG export of dossier
  • ✓ Public share link
  • ✗ No printable diploma
  • ✗ No archive history
  • ✗ No A/B compare mode
RECOMMENDED
TIER 2

FIELD AGENT

$2.99 one-time
  • ★ Unlimited dossiers
  • ★ Full 12-sound sequencer
  • ★ Tonal-driven chord stabs
  • ★ Printable PDF diploma
  • ★ Full archive history
  • ★ A/B compare 2 profiles
  • ★ Priority Brenda attention

⌧ TESTIMONIES — REDACTED

“My matches went up 340%. The diploma hangs over my bed. My therapist has questions.”
— Anonymous Bumble Defector
“Brenda told me my bio was ‘Greg energy’. I'm not sure what that means but I deleted three sentences.”
— Former Hinge Asset

FAQ

Q. Is this a real federal agency?
A. Legally we cannot answer that question.
Q. Will my dossier be leaked to the press?
A. Only if you click the LEAK DOSSIER button. Then yes.
Q. Who is Greg?
A. Greg is none of your business. Please respect the investigation.
Q. Refunds?
A. Email Brenda. She is currently on administrative leave but checks her work account on Tuesdays.